It’s been almost two weeks since my grandpa died. His presence is still in the house (my, him, and I all lived together.) His things are still in place, untouched. I’m not sure what to do, and if I do something, when to do it. My anxiety w/r/t this whole thing has been crippling. Yesterday, in the mail, we received his medication. I cried for a few minutes. A few days back an AARP Magazine came to the house with his name on it. In black and white, his name, my namesake, printed like he was still living.
Last night I read Allen Ginsberg’s Kaddish, an elegy to his dead mother. I’ve never really been “into” poetry that much to be honest. I took a few required courses in school just so I could get access to the advanced fiction ones and minimally enjoyed it. Maybe I didn’t read the right stuff. Who knows, I appreciate(d) the form, and still do, but never thought it would be a form for me to use in my own writing. So yeah, that Ginsberg poem, completely changed my mind. In a thinly veiled attempt at creating my own elegy to my grandpa, I’ve decided to try and write some poems, mostly free verse (similar to Kaddish in style.) Much like when I first began writing prose, I suspect it will be awful and, in many ways, a cheap ripoff of a main influence (in fiction’s case it was a mix between Hemingway’s minimalism and Kerouac’s spontaneous prose.) But if this can produce something, this loss of the man that i respected more than anyone else I’ve ever met, than maybe I’ve opened myself up, just a little, to a whole new, alternative, path for me to wander down and experience.
I’m still at work on my novella but this is lingering over my head, weighing me down. Justifiably so. I’ve put that project to the side and am diving in to this new one. Whether I have any publishable, or redeeming results, is impossible to know at the moment, but I do intend to stay with the form, educate myself, try my hardest. All things that he would’ve wanted.
I also have about five essays that are firing off in my head at the same time, mixing and mashing up against one another. They’ll come out soon, throw up on a blank screen and then I’ll see what I have. Right now, what I have is a broken heart and a heavy sadness.
I love you grandpa.